The Secret Sauce

The Prompt

Why do you wish to attend [College]? How would you contribute to the community? (no more than 250 words)

The Essay

In reading your website and all the material you guys sent my way, I know for a fact [College] matches my intellectual pursuits. The in-depth, intense, practically momentary exploration of thought held so central to your education is precisely the education I want to attain. I plan to major in something entirely systematic and logical like physics or mathematics. Fully immersing myself into such an intellectual school of thought for three straight weeks sounds not only informative, but truly formative.

Then, in harsh contrast, to turn around and study some tangential, completely unrelated content for three weeks, solely because “hey that sounds cool.” There’s virtually no real-life scenario I can think of in which an intimate, exhaustive knowledge of the “History of the Roman Republic,” (course HL214) would ever be meaningful to me; no time in which the career of physicist depends on knowing differences between the Senates of monarchical Rome and republic Rome. Yet here I am, eager to take such a course, simply because characters like Julius Caesar and Cato seem more legend than historical. The flexibility offered by your Block Plan can support my intense but fleeting interest in ridiculously unrelated studies like the Roman Republic, while still giving me a meaningful education and degree.

Feedback Overview

1. Content, topic, and theme - How good is the actual content? Is it unique? Does it say a lot about you? Does the essay show depth of thought, intellectual vitality, initiative, originality, etc? Does it fit the prompt well enough, or does it feel like it was written for something else and shoehorned in?

The content here is merely ok. While the self-expression was better than average, I don’t feel like I got to know you quite enough from this essay. A “Why College” essay is really about YOU - how do you and the school fit each other? So a mere listing of a couple of things you like about the school isn’t quite enough. There is some good unique content in here but overall it doesn’t stand out as well as it could. Imagine reading 20 other essays on this same topic in one afternoon - would this be among the one or two that shine the most? It needs something a little more personal or expressive to get there. It fits the prompt just fine, and the specific references to the program/coursework are a nice touch.

2. Style and Structure - Is the essay easy to read, authentic, creative, compelling, and engaging? Is the style consistent throughout the essay and is it consistent with the rest of the application? Is the essay organized well? Does it communicate clearly? Does it flow smoothly?

The essay is easy enough to read, though at times the persistent use of larger-than-necessary words bogs it down. The biggest style issue is that it feels like two essays. The first paragraph feels like a buddy film, while the second feels like an awkward attempt at negging. It doesn’t seem to flow logically and the big words don’t help. At times this comes across as contrived - I’m not completely sold on your passion for both physics and Roman history. It’s possible that the rest of your application would resolve this though.

3. Impression - What does the essay say about you? What will a reviewer likely think of you after reading it? Is it compelling and gripping?

As mentioned above, there are some good expressions in this essay, but not as many as I would like. The big words are very off-putting and rob your essay of sincerity and personal voice. The essay is also not gripping or engaging. Even on a second read, it felt like I really had to focus to work through it. A lot of this can be improved with better diction. There is also an almost self-righteous tone in the second paragraph that is a bit off-putting.

4. Diction, grammar, and syntax - Are there errors or omissions, poor or clunky word choices, issues with word count, etc.

The essay is 209 words, so it’s below the limit. The wording of the prompt indicates this is a hard limit, so make sure you don’t go over 250 with your edits. As a general rule, you want your essay to be at least 70% of the limit, so you’re good there too. There are a few other issues in this arena noted in the specific feedback below.

Specific Feedback:

The first sentence feels weird. It’s usually a bad idea to directly address the reader. This breaks the “4th wall” and jars them out of the essay right as it begins. It almost requires a double-take just to figure out where it’s going. Remove the reference to the reader and instead turn it around on yourself. Say something about what you learned specifically about the school that spoke to you, resonated with you, and attracted you. Perhaps something about how each new facet you discovered convinced you of the match? Don’t just broadly reference the website and emails - zoom in and share what was in them that inspired you.

2. “Practically momentary exploration of thought” is a very awkward phrase. I had to read it a couple times to figure out what you meant. Reviewers may not take that time - they work quickly and might just gloss over it and move on. Don’t worry so much about trying to sound smart or impressive. Instead focus on communicating clearly and being expressive. Remember that they will see your strong English grades, AP scores, and SAT EBRW, so they will already know that you’re smart and articulate. There are five or six times in this essay where you use a word that is bigger than it needs to be. Instead of big words, try to think of clever or unique turns of phrase that might stand out more.

3. Once again, I don’t like phrases like “your education” and “your Block Plan.” Don’t equivocate the college and the essay reader, address the essay to either, or refer to the college/reader in second person. It sounds too casual and almost nonchalant. I see what you’re trying to do, but it needs to more adeptly tie your educational goals to the specific opportunities offered at the school. Go a little deeper with what specifically you like about the education and block plan and why it’s such a good fit for you.

4. The sentence “I plan to major in something entirely systematic and logical…” is both weak and vague. It also implies an air of superiority, like you think math and physics are somehow better than other majors. You don’t absolutely have to have an intended major nailed down, but it would be stronger if you just picked one for now. Then you could focus your application and your essays with that theme in mind.

5. It is really, really common to read essays from intended STEM majors who talk about how they love dabbling in humanities and vice versa. That doesn’t stand out at all. Furthermore, literally every college ever will give you those opportunities for cross-discipline learning. Is there something more specific to this college that you could highlight? Or perhaps something more unique about you that would be more worthy of sharing here?

6. The first sentence of the second paragraph is technically a fragment. That’s sometimes ok because people use fragments all the time in conversation and you want the essay to be in your voice. But this sentence sounds a little awkward. Try to rephrase it a bit to streamline that.

7. You say “no time in the career of a physicist” but you should say “no time in the career of a physicist”.

8. This is getting picky, but I feel like you should either say “monarchic Rome and republic Rome” or “monarchical Rome and republican Rome” instead of blending them. It makes it more consistent and easier to read.

9. The ending lands a little awkwardly. You essentially conclude that this is a good college for you because you can major in physics or math and still take one class on Roman history. As I mentioned, every college will let you do that. You should try to elaborate on something more specific, meaningful, or personal.

you can tell?

-Alex