Essay Review Guide

I’ve had a few morning thoughts as I’ve read through a number of essays this morning, and I thought it might help some of you if I shared.
Here’s what I’m loving so far:
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a playfulness with language — not so much that I have to figure out what is being said, but enough to make what the intent behind the words is even deeper
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a sense that the writer is having fun
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sincerity — I love it when I can feel and hear the writer’s voice and it’s not being hidden behind a barrier of overwrought words and syntax
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a good story that demonstrates a belief or value you have and then digs in way deeper with your commentary about how the anecdote or narrative affects you
Here’s what I’m not liking, in fact sometimes I’m not even reading the full essay bc I’m finding it too boring to get to the end:
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so many adverbs... to me they drag a story down
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complicated syntax that is clearly not comfortable for you. Sometimes complicated syntax works and that’s cool; it’s all about your comfort level and how you approach it
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thesaurus words. Don’t sound like you’ve swallowed a thesaurus. It’s off-putting to read when it sounds like someone is choking. Just say no to your thesaurus!! Both thesaurus words and overly complicated syntax can create a wall between you and your reader.
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a rehash of your activities list and honors; I’m gonna learn about those in the application — this is your only chance to really connect with your reader. Don’t blow it.
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too much narrative — not enough commentary. Look, I know you hear again and again to “show not tell” and I even occasionally give that advice and it’s good advice to a certain extent — but sometimes you just gotta tell me what you’re feeling and thinking. I want to know about what’s going on inside that amazing teenaged brain of yours.